|DIARY PAGE 4|
|October 14, 2001 - Today I remembered my goals. It's not that I actually forgot about them but I haven't worked seriously to achieve them. To me, working seriously entails having actual plans as to how I will reach my goals. There is a goal that I have reached, and I didn't even have it listed, but it was my most important goal.
I had to change my mindset. When I wake up I look at things differently than I did on August 2, 2001. This is in large part due to the fact that I am not depressed. I have also matured somewhat. I am learning to accept more and to be vigilant about changing that which is unacceptable. There is an oft-quoted maxim about wisdom that is fitting here.
Anyway, one of my six month goals is to be an auxiliary pioneer. In fact, that is one of my biggest goals of the year. Right now I can't really say if I am on the way to achieving that goal. I haven't given up, and usually I give up after a few weeks. August was a really good month. My goal for this month is 15 hours preaching and teaching about the Bible and God's Kingdom. So far I have 3, but my route to 15 is pretty thoroughly mapped out.
Something I still feel is lacking would be support. I've articulated my goals and reasonings to all of the people closest to me. I admit that I kind of expected everyone to be a bit more supportive. For example, my mother is a regular pioneer. She goes out and preaches almost every day. I've explained to her that she is really my only means of transportation and as long as I am sick, if I don't have transportation I probably won't make it out. I just need her to take me along with her sometimes, on things easier than door-to-door, which is very draining to me. When she studies the Bible with individuals one-on-one or when she returns to visit individuals who had shown interest, I have asked her to consider me first as her partner. But not only has she failed to give physical support, she is constantly harping on me and saying I am not putting forth enough effort.
Of course, no one in my family really believes that I am sick. That explains my mother's attitude and the fact that my father continues to push the idea of working on me, as if he has forgotten that I am not working by choice. But that's a tale for another day. My family gives me many tales for other days. Without the depression and anger I do have a much more laid back attitude. If I get into a fight with my mom, I kiss and makeup only a few hours later. I am incapable of holding grudges right now.
It's the perfect time to take advantage of me. Except I don't have any money.
Another six month goal I had was to be in regular contact with all of my friends. I can have that whenever I want it. Of course, I am going through a major social shift right now and I don't know how interested I am in maintaining my current friendships. Until I decide to make new ones and move on, I'll keep this particular goal. Wonder why it is so easy for me to "move on" from friendships with people. Probably because they are not really friends, more like nice acquaintances. So why the existence of a friends page? Because they're nice people, and I haven't given up on one of them just yet. I guess I haven't given up on any of them but I am at a loss as to where I can go in any of these relationships.
I think I'm weird. I was with my mother in the preaching work on Saturday and we decided that I'm just weird. Hmm, as you can see from the expansion of my diary, Friday October 12 was a big day for me. It's the day I decided that I was weird and the day one of my friends confirmed this for me after he read my diary entry. I should be upset over this but I'm not. I don't mean that I should be upset over the fact that he confirmed that he doesn't "get me" and thus we're not close, I mean I should be upset over my failure once again to be a normal person. But I had a strange sense of serenity. Friday night I was tossing and turning in my bed and just trying to make myself upset but I couldn't accomplish it. I want to be upset because out of six billion people I had to be so strange. And the funny thing is, I don't look strange at all. People approach me thinking, "here's a nice, quiet intelligent girl." But I'm strange, perhaps "ungettable". And that means I probably won't ever have a best friend.
On top of being strange, I'm SHY to boot! Why couldn't I be outgoing and confident and self-assured and comfortable in my weirdness? Nooo, I had to be the shy, quiet invisible person. If you're going to be shy and invisible, my advice is to be as normal and sweet as possible, so that on those extroverted occasions where the shell collapses, people won't be uncomfortable and silent and think, "why did we invite her?"
And if my best friend, that person out there who actually would get me, ever crosses my path, I'm too shy to let them know that I'm the one! I may already know this person. Or she might be toiling under hard labor and starving in Sri Lanka.
One more thing, I bemoan my lack of creativity. Someone who read my ramblings says that I am very "analytical". This interested this person I suppose because he is not "analytical". I'd rather be creative and funny and introspective and enlightening than "analytical".
This home page is actually quite pathetic by those standards, but it serves its purpose. I get to get it OUT.
|October 21, 2001 - I've decided that I am responsible for my own happiness. While this may seem like an obvious fact, you'd be surprised how often human beings go around sad or bitter and unhappy and choose to remain in that state. Barring depression or other mental instabilities, we actually choose our feelings. Or more accurately, we choose the feelings that we wish to keep. It's not always a conscious decision, but it is a decision nonetheless. Sure, the initial feeling may have been spurred by external factors, but whether or not to prolong them or allow them to extend into other mental spheres is a decision. For example, because of my introversion, my aversion to group activities, and the fact that sometimes I think I am rejected, certain social situations inspire inner turmoil and discomfort. This leads to my feeling unhappy and/or grouchy or scared. To others, I appear to be closed (perhaps standoffish), ill and a verbal minimalist. One such social setting would be my most lamented one, when I am in a group, particularly if there are more than 3 other people in the group. But I've discussed that already. The truth that I have realized (again) is that as long as I follow Jehovah's principles and try to make the best of a non-threatening situation, I can determine my level of happiness. Sometimes I just have to be happy in myself, floating on an inner cloud. This choice is a conscious decision and a struggle.|