|Diary Page 5!!!!|
|October 22, 2001 -- Ahh today I am in a good mood. Today I am READY. I'm not sure what I am ready for, but I am ready for anything. All weekend I have been staying up late, reading. I'm reading again! Reading was my only pastime as a child, but I got away from it when I started to lose my mind :-). Fiction, nonfiction, it doesn't matter, I am reading again. I have been reading my Bible and Bible literature. I am not satiated yet.
I have been exploring other websites trying to meet new friends. Nothing wrong with my old friends but I have entered another phase of my life. I CRASHED my friend's wedding on Saturday. She was very beautiful, but I think every bride is beautiful. They always have the face of love. My friend S is very tumultuous, I hope all goes well for her now that she is married. I have been hearing things, hearing about problems she has been having with people. She can be very demanding and rather inconsiderate of certain social graces. But she is also so loving and I hope her new husband doesn't forget that part of her.
I shall try to no longer lament my lack of artistic ability. It is not that I am completely unable to appreciate the aesthetic value of things. I like black and white photos, particularly candid ones, and I love to watch all forms of dance. That's art, right? And this of course brings me back to my earlier statement, alluding to the fact that I am on a friendship quest. I need partners when I go preach where the need is great. I need shoulders. I need to be a shoulder. I need a new face to ponder.
But its hard for me to just send an email to a webmaster. I don't ever want to be a bother. It's hard for me to cozy up to females and males are off-limits right now, seeing as I am always so concerned with how other people see me. If I go to the website of a brother and I think it is interesting, how can I send him an email without him assuming that I have some kind of romantic interest in him? Right now I DON'T have any romantic interests whatsoever. But he might think it anyway, and then come to this here Journey site, see my picture, and think "eww, how can I let her down easy?" And all I wanted was a new friend!
I went to a sister's website and I was amazed to discover that she seems to be exactly like my friend D! Same idealist personality, very similar interests, same sweet, geeky demeanor, same amazing intelligence, and she's very pretty to boot. "Matchmaker Matchmaker"? Naw, just kidding, I don't think either one of them would appreciate that. People have to fall in love on their own terms, and when they want to do it. Besides, D has plans. And I am NO matchmaker. Sometimes I wonder if I am a match.
Speaking of that, like most females, sometimes I have body image problems. Yet there are times when I come out of the shower, and my glasses are off and I look in the mirror and I think I am pretty. And if I am in a good mood and if I have done something good for somebody that day and been a good person, then I think I am beautiful. Yet most times, I look at myself and I just want to cry. I know girls who take it for granted that others find them attractive. They are comfortable with their beauty. Has anyone ever found me attractive? Once I was showing a little leg and a homeless man walking down the street looked me up and down salaciously. That same day an old man told me "nice legs". That's really about it. The brothers in my congregation don't notice me at all. Brothers online don't notice me either, not physically speaking. I am NOT talking about a relationship, I just want people to think I am pretty sometimes.
It is even more grating because I find just about everyone to be attractive. If I like you as a person, then you are definitely attractive. But even if I don't know someone, it doesn't matter, I can make myself attracted to him. The other day I was pondering the attractiveness of "short people" (commonly called midgets but I think that is derogatory). There was a man under four feet on TV and I thought he was quite good looking. I think he was a dwarf. Anyway, after that I realized that it really doesn't matter to me at all what people look like. My standards of beauty have nothing to do with anyone else's. My mother thinks this is rather strange.
BTW, I hope you haven't been bothered by the bad grammar permeating this website. Grammar was always my least favorite part of English. My favorite? Vocabulary, obviously. I clearly love words.
I guess this particular diary entry isn't very inciteful. But that's what is in my head right now.
October 28, 2001 -- I'm starting to feel stagnant. Here I was feeling all good about myself and good about the direction my life is taking. Then I realized that nothng has changed. Sure, I believe I have changed mentally and emotionally. But nothing has changed on the outside. And do you know how little it matters to others how much you may have changed on the inside if there is no appreciable difference externally?
Last week I actually got really mad and started crying. I hadn't cried in weeks. It scared me, should have scared me enough to take my pills. I think I have convinced myself that everyone gets mad sometimes. But I have been so messed up that maybe I don't express my emotions the way other people do. I lament about the lack of support I have received, but what reason have I given for anyone to support me? Even so, I'm still not giving up on myself yet. It isn't hopeless. I just have to change that's all. And I don't want to die. I don't even want to get "accidentally" dismembered for the insurance money (yes I thought about that when I was depressed).
It's amazing to me now the thoughts that run through a depressed person's head. I can see why non-depressed people would be shocked by them. But when I was depressed, it was normal for me. Depression isn't just "the blues". Clinical depression changes your entire outlook, it changes the way that you think, the way you process information. For example, if a normal person is out of a job and out of money, they'd feel bad, sure. But they would think about how they can get a job, or fantasize about winning the lottery if things got really desperate. Not me. I thought about how I could manage to get a limb cut off. And it didn't even bother me. Now it seems disturbing.
I talked to my friend E tonight. I'm really glad I spoke to him. I think he is depressed too. But I also think that due to his personality, it isn't the same as it is with me. He's more like my brother, who is also mildly depressed. Yet and still, E sounded much more upbeat than usual. I have to call him more.