June 15, 2002 - Sorry I haven't said anything in a while. The truth is, I have a paper diary that I have had for nine years. There was a time when I wrote in that diary only once or twice a year, but now I write in it a lot because it is really convenient late at night. That's when I have the most to say. Today I have a lot to say because there is a lot going on in my head. Most of it is good or at least normal I suppose. I have been thinking about so many things and I don't know where to start.

Okay, I'll start with what I couldn't fit in my paper diary last night. I want to go to school. I loved school, I love being in a class. But not just any class, it has to be in a school setting. Regular training classes don't give me the same feeling. I love taking online tests and I took another one a few days ago. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know about myself. It was supposed to tell me what things I am good at and interested in because I should pursue these things. It also told me what things I am interested in but not skilled at yet, because I should explore these things. Then it told me what I don't like and am not good at because I should avoid that. Well I have a pretty good idea of what kinds of pursuits fall into each of those categories (there is nothing that I am good at but not interested in), but for some reason I like having a computer say it to me. Makes it official. And the computer usually says it better than I do.

Anyway, one thing it said I would like to pursue would be postgraduate education. Well I never finished highschoolgraduate education but it reminds me how much I love school. I wish I could go to school forever I really do. I'd enjoy college a great deal but just because I would enjoy something it doesn't mean I should pursue it. Something about the grammar in that last sentence strikes me as off. Anyway, I've been thinking about school today.

I should point out that I have been alright mentally for the past week which is good for me. I think my feelings have been very normal and even-keeled for at least a month. It feels great to type that. My medicine is probably working! There has been such a turn-around in my general mood and what I have been able to do and I am amazed and happy when I think about it. My poor brother just found out that he is bipolar and now my father has to deal with THREE of us but my improvement has been helpful to him I think. With this improvement I have been having so many feelings and thoughts that were dulled or obscured before. My melodramatic side has tapered off tremendously and that is a good thing. Big mood swings have become rarer and rarer. If this is almost as good as it gets then this isn't so bad.

I say almost because now I feel I have been exposed to more problems with my character and personality. Now that my head is clearer so that I can see it. Not all of the problems are my fault nor are they necessarily "wrong" but I see obstacles. For one thing, as I said in my paper diary last night, I want to be a woman. But I don't think I am a woman yet. I don't have the confidence or whatever it is that women possess. I think this is a very normal feeling for someone my age so I don't feel depressed or devastated about it, but I don't particularly like it. Maybe I would feel better if I had peers with whom I could share it. I would also like to be able to share my love of sports, Star Wars and dancing.

Sports, Star Wars and dancing. Three of the things which have been on my mind a lot lately. I have seen the current Star Wars movie three times and I am going to see it a fourth time soon but believe me there are reasons behind each viewing. It isn't affecting me spiritually like my love of football last year. I can share Star Wars with my brother but honestly, I want another friend besides my brother. No they don't have to appreciate Star Wars, but are there any Witnesses who appreciate Star Wars as much as my brother and I do? There must be because Star Wars is....wonderful to say the least. Star Wars always makes me feel good and I can't really say much more about it without being too geeky and going off-topic.

I realized yesterday just how much I love SPORTS in general, and well, football in particular. Yesterday I watched much of the golf US Open and a baseball game. If asked prior to yesterday, I would have told anyone that I don't care for golf and can't stand any more baseball. But somehow sports always seem to pull me in and get me excited and interested like no other recreational pursuit. I will probably watch much of Wimbledon and le Tour de France. Tennis and cycling? Yes, really. I will watch any sport, no matter what, and I can enjoy it. Even women's basketball. And soccer, I've been to a World Cup game before and it didn't involve the US team. I think it was 1994 when this country had the World Cup and I went. And I have caught myself watching regular soccer sometimes. Rugby. Curling. I watch the national spelling bee every year on ESPN (and I almost always spell the final word correctly!). Hockey for goodness sakes. If it is a sport I can watch it. I admit that I have even watched boxing before. I must point out that car racing is the one thing I have difficulty watching although I have no difficulty with say, horse racing. I could probably watch car racing with other people though. And then there is American football. Right up there with Star Wars in my eyes. Don't get me started on the wonderful thing that is American football. Or the team that is the Philadelphia Eagles. I play fantasy football online so my love for football is special compared to my love for sports in general.

And then there is dancing. I love to watch all forms of dancing, ALL FORMS. I love dancing and I wish I could dance I really do. I dance a lot by myself. I go all throughout my home dancing because dancing makes me feel wonderful. I know that I can't really dance at all but that doesn't stop me. As for watching dancing, I can watch dancing anytime, anywhere.

Also, brief update, I am doing so well at this new job and it is such a happy surprise (over two months and counting). I am also doing much better with my meetings and personal study and I pray that I can keep it up and get even better. I am socializing after the meetings instead of going to the car and waiting for an hour while my family socializes. It feels really good to talk to everyone. I am commenting much more which is always great. People are remembering me and missing me when I am not there. I feel like part of the congregation again and I don't want to lose this. Which reminds me, I am going to take my medicine right now before I forget again. Okay I took it, see that wasn't so hard.

Oh yeah, character flaws. Am I a shallow person? Am I a mean person? Am I a proud person? Am I an undisciplined person? Am I judgemental? Am I unclean? Am I lazy? Am I blind? Am I uncaring? Am I destructive? Am I obsessive? Am I unfair? Am I undetermined? Am I cowardly? Am I manipulative? Am I stupid? I wish I could always say no to any of these questions but I can't and this bothers me a lot. I really hate that sometimes I have to say yes! When I was in high school in my computer class we had to keep a journal on the computer and type in it every day. It wasn't supposed to be highly personal especially since the computer teacher always read it every day. Well, you know me, I don't mind putting personal stuff out there. Once I was depressed and I wrote down all of the bad things about myself. But I couldn't think of any good things about myself. It was very personal and searing and I know he read it but he never said anything about it to me. I was actually pretty close to that teacher being his pet and all, but that's a different story. The point is, I still have a very hard time seeing anything good about myself. I wonder why that is. I used to conclude that I must be bad but I don't know.

Self-exploration..Diary Page 13