January 3, 2002 -- New month, new outlook. So what if it took me three days? I am officially out of my funk now and I'm glad to say it really wasn't a bad funk, not by my usual December standards. I maintained a high level of activity in the preaching work, for which I am very grateful to Jehovah. I was able to accomplish some things and overall I have to say I have progressed a bit. At least I know I can face some adversity without collapsing completely. That's good to know. Since I am in such a good mood I guess it's a good time to talk about my personal flaws.

I think I give up too easily. I don't think I work as hard for as long as other people. I'm rather unmotivated most days. To sum it up, I'm quite lazy. Have you ever heard of type A and type B personalities? I think I'm a type A perfectionist mentally/internally, and type B physically/externally. On the inside I go through a lot. I am very demanding and critical of myself, sometimes rightfully so. But this is not really reflected on the outside.

I often do things that I KNOW are wrong when I do them, but I do them anyway. And I'm not much good at punishing myself. Sadly, at these times I am least likely to pray because I feel quite guilty about it. This just makes it more likely that I will do it again. I know all this but has it changed anything? I think many times I am resistant to changes that I must make. Some bad things I just do out of habit, I don't get any kick out of them or anything. At the moment I don't feel open enough to go into specifics.

I'm also much too sensitive and I can be harsh when others offend my sensibilities. Not necessarily harsh "out loud", but inside I get all hot and bothered. Not sure about that choice of words. Also, I am nitpicky and almost paranoid about some things, whereas other things do not even get the deserved amount of attention from me, like my appearance. I am the kind of person who tries to buy all non-wrinkly clothes because I won't iron. And when I do iron it isn't particularly well. I also don't really ever want to do my hair. Or brush my teeth. There, a confession. My last big confession was that I have been a big fan of a very demonic show for years. I've kicked that habit. Now only to brush my teeth on a regular basis and stop relying on the "self-smell test" (blowing against my hand) and altoids. I won't say just how irregularly I brush my teeth, I will admit that I haven't done it twice a day in......umm, ever? It makes me feel so bad to put that on this website that I just may go brush my teeth right now! Perhaps this whole ironing and teeth-brushing section belongs in the laziness paragraph, but I am too lazy to cut and paste.

It's strange how I can be so open about things like my suicide attempt or my feelings about people, but I have a really hard time mentioning things like the fact that I'm bad with my teeth and the wearing of underwear. There, another confession, probably my last for months. I only decline to wear underwear when I don't think anyone could notice, and while that never applies to my upper half, it almost always applies to my lower half (except for doctor's visits). Therefore I don't even own a slip, and I typically only wear panties five days a month. And I do feel bad about this, which is why I chose to wear them today even though it isn't one of those typical five days. Hey, I may just keep the trend going.

I promise no more paragraphs like the above if I can help it. The thing is, I get annoyed by things, and put my annoyance over what's right. Panties annoy me. Sometimes showing respect to my mother is hard because she annoys me. Doing my hair annoys me so I just wear hats. Waking before noon annoys me. Helping my father with the computer annoys me. And while these things and others don't annoy me all of the time, the problem is that when they do annoy me then I just don't do them. Everybody gets annoyed by things, but we're supposed to do what's right anyway and just deal with it. Well I usually don't.

You see, this is why I have to be a perfect person.

January 5, 2002 -- Tomorrow is Sunday and it is the day that I have chosen to officially kick off January. I needed a five day waiting period. Our congregation meeting time changes tomorrow, so I figured it's just as good a time as any for me to institute some changes of my own. I will commit myself to brushing my teeth three times a day. Not just twice a day. I don't have a problem with brushing my teeth, but I have a logical problem with the whole "twice a day" dictum, yes, it annoys me. Thrice a day makes more sense to me, and I don't mind brushing my teeth in public bathrooms. Yes, I am tacky. I don't know if I can bring myself to take my medication just yet. And I still have to lose 20 pounds by February. I have actually gained 4 pounds since August. The Philadelphia Eagles WILL NOT be the focus of next weekend for me, even if it is playoff weekend. I have let them take up too much of my time already. I am a fanatic and that is not very balanced at all. If the playoff game comes on at a time I would normally be out in the ministry, I WILL NOT GO HOME AND WATCH THE GAME. That's a huge commitment and its likely that I will have to be faced with it. 

Contentiousness is another personal flaw I continue to struggle with. With which I have continued to struggle, for all of you who are bothered by the fact that I frequently end sentences with prepositions. I said a bit about contentiousness earlier, namely that I have improved. But I still have a long way to go. That said, I did a Google search for all of my Usenet postings and I must admit, when I was sixteen, I was a terror. One usenet poster called my posts "malicious and empty-headed". Well that's just because he was wrong ;), but I do see that I have improved a lot in that I am not so mean to people I disagree with anymore. They're not all morons. It's okay to let an argument go, and it's okay to say you're sorry, and it's okay to be wrong. I am wrong a lot. I have tried to be more empathetic and understanding. I have tried to understand where others are coming from and I have tried to be respectful of that. Is that a preposition? Anyway, perhaps in five years or so I can work on grammar.

Long Time Coming...Diary Page 12